Stupid-Criminal Hall of Shame

                                Anon 

Every day, we are assaulted by stories of stupid people--many of whom use
their stupidity for personal gain.
  
From  time  to  time,  though, we hear of those who strive to achieve new
levels  of  stupidity  *while* also breaking the law.  To these brave men
and women--ooops, "women and men"--we present the highest possible honor:
entry into the "Stupid-Criminal Hall of Shame."
 
The following are their accounts ...

Kentucky  (where  else?):   Two  men  tried  to pull the front off a cash
machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup
truck.   Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they
pulled the bumper off their truck.  Scared, they left the scene and drove
home.   With  the chain still attached to the machine.  With their bumper
still  attached  to  the chain.  With their vehicle's license plate still
attached to the bumper.
  
South  Carolina:  A man walked into a local police station, dropped a bag
of  cocaine  on  the  counter,  informed  the  desk  sergeant that it was
substandard cut, and asked that the person who sold it to him be arrested
immediately.
 
Indiana:   A  man  walked up to a cashier at a grocery store and demanded
all  the money in the register.  When the cashier handed him the loot, he
fled--leaving his wallet on the counter.
  
England:   A  German "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, shows up at
customs  with  his  golf  bag.  While making idle chatter about golf, the
customs  official  realizes  that  the  tourist  does  not  know  what  a
"handicap"  is.  The customs official asks the tourist to demonstrate his
swing,  which  he  does--backward!  A substantial amount of narcotics was
found in the golf bag.
  
Germany:   Oil  of  Olay  no  longer  turning  the trick for her, a woman
decided  that  she  would  bathe  in  the  milk  of a camel (a modern-day
Cleopatra).   So  she  stole a camel from the local zoo (where *else* can
you  find  a  camel  when  you  need one?) and transported it back to her
house--where she realized that the camel's name was "Otto."
  
Arizona:   A  company called "Guns For Hire" stages gunfights for Western
movies,  etc.   One  day, they received a call from a 47-year- old woman,
who wanted to have her husband killed.  She got 4-1/2 years in jail.
  
Texas:   A  man  convicted  of  robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in
damages  rather  than  serve a prison sentence.  For payment, he provided
the court a check--a *forged* check.  He got 10 years.
  
(Location  Unknown):   A  man  went  into  a  drug  store,  pulled a gun,
announced  a robbery, and pulled a Hefty-bag face mask over his head--and
realized that he'd forgotten to cut eyeholes in the mask.
  
(Location Unknown):  A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and
stole--are  you  ready  for this?--the bank's video camera.  While it was
recording.   Remotely.   (That  is,  the  videotape  recorder was located
elsewhere in the bank, so he didn't get the videotape of himself stealing
the camera.)
  
(Location  Unknown):   A  man  successfully  broke into a bank's basement
through  a  street-level  window,  cutting himself up pretty badly in the
process.   He  then  realized that (1) he could not get to the money from
where  he was,(2) he could not climb back out the window through which he
had entered, and (3) he was bleeding pretty badly.  So he located a phone
and dialed "911" for help ...
 
Virginia:   Two  men in a pickup truck went to a new-home site to steal a
refrigerator.    Banging   up   walls,  floors,  etc.,  they  snatched  a
refrigerator  from one of the houses, and loaded it onto the pickup.  The
truck promptly got stuck in the mud, so these brain surgeons decided that
the  refrigerator  was too heavy.  Banging up *more* walls, floors, etc.,
they put the refrigerator BACK into the house, and returned to the pickup
truck,  only  to  realize that they locked the keys in the truck--so they
abandoned it.
  
(Location  Unknown):   A  man walked into a Circle-K (a convenience store
similar  to  a 7-11), put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change.
When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for
all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided.  The man
took  the  cash  from  the  clerk  and fled-- leaving the $20 bill on the
counter.   The  total  amount  of  cash  he got from the drawer?  Fifteen
dollars.
 
END
---